


Tyrion, Tywin and Toilets

by trustthefish



Series: The Things That Ail Us [2]
Category: A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Attempt at Humor, Crack, Humor, teenage tyrion
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-11
Updated: 2014-10-11
Packaged: 2018-02-20 18:10:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,427
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2438159
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/trustthefish/pseuds/trustthefish
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>For his summer holidays instead of going to the Free Cities Tyrion has been grounded, confined to his home he puts his time to good use, not that his father approves.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Tyrion, Tywin and Toilets

**Author's Note:**

> 2517 5971

**Tyrion**

It was childish.

It was juvenile.

 It was in reality, potentially dangerous.

But the fact was even if father did find out, Tyrion doubted his father’s view of him could deteriorate further. It mattered not that Tyrion had just spent the summer holidays designing and creating an innovative toilet flushing mechanism that would save not only thousands of litres in water but also cut down the family mansion’s not inconsiderable water bill. 

No, of course not, what mattered to his father was the fact that he’d _dared_ to invite a _public_ school girl to the school dance and then to add insult to injury proceeded to dance with her, _the gall!_ And in front of all of those people, _shaming_ the family like that.

Nevermind that none of the private school girls would spare him a second glance, those wealthy enough to attend the most exclusive private school in Westeros were not persuaded even by the temptation of Lannister gold.

His punishment for this _shaming_ of the Lannister name had been his confinement to the house for the duration of the summer holidays, forbidden from taking the tour around the Free Cities his Uncles had promised him.  It was a disappointing blow, to be told he was too childish and irresponsible to be allowed abroad.

_“I can’t even trust you under mine own roof, do you expect me to let you roam freely when you’ve proven you can’t maintain standards even here? You’re sixteen, yet still a boy.”_

Tywin Lannister’s voice still rung through his head, it was with a sick satisfaction that Tyrion smiled and decided to prove his father right. His father was _always_ right.

 

As Tyrion ground up the brown circular tablets he reflected upon the considerable effort it had taken to implement his plan. Though it was certainly a worthwhile learning experience and there were many fascinating facts that he longed to share with someone other than the voice in his head.

He would have told Jaime, Jaime could be trusted not to tell on him.

 _Though he’s a terrible liar,_ Tyrion reflected, _especially to Cersei and she most certainly would tell and take pleasure in my further punishment._

But of course his physically endowed brother was away at a training camp. It was for the modern day pentathlon, running, show-jumping, swimming, shooting and of course fencing, sports which came so easily to Jaime and decidedly not to himself.  He envied his brother, but held him no ill-will and enjoyed his successes almost as if they were his own.  Jaime had always been the perfect big brother, six years elder and placed upon a pedestal by all and everyone, yet unlike Cersei and father Jaime had time and consideration for Tyrion.  At the precipice of manhood, wrapped in teenage angst and the desire for independence Tyrion was still forever grateful to his elder brother.

 

But of course, he had lately come to realise that he was considerably more adapted to the scholarly elements of life. So he shared tit-bits and fascinating facts from his research with his Uncles, all younger than his father none were quite so stern, they had time for Tyrion and his antics, they would’ve taken him to the Free Cities.

“Did you know that most people with problems with constipation could solve their problems with change in diet and exercise habits alone?” Tyrion had mentioned one day.

“No, I didn’t” replied his uncle Kevan with a good natured smile looking up from the file he was reading, he paused studying his nephew. “You’re not still bothered about the flushing mechanism are you?  He’s already installed it into most of the bathrooms in the house and he’s looking into whether it can be adapted for the typical toilet”.

“No, he didn’t, you did. I overheard you discussing it with the plumber, uncle” Tyrion replied, staring straight at his uncle levelly.

Kevan shifted uncomfortably, looking back to the papers on his table, “He _is_ proud of you you know, Tyrion”.

_You don’t deny it_

Tyrion plastered a smile onto his face, he hated to upset his uncle, “Thank-you Uncle” false cheeriness signalling that his uncle Kevan needn’t worry about his state of mind.

He stepped down from the table with a jump and pulled his pharmacology textbook with him moving with a purposeful stride, he had research to continue.

 

It was with considerable effort that Tyrion managed to get to the medicine cabinet in his father’s en suite bathroom. The room was not designed for someone of a shorter stature, additionally his father had seen fit to put his medications up on the top most shelf of the cabinet with some hidden behind dangerously fragile bottles of aftershave, yet another challenge to contend with.  After some thought and balancing upon a precariously unbalanced chair Tyrion managed to safely pull down all the boxes and bottles without dropping a thing.

_I’ll have to thank uncle Gerion for those acrobatic classes he signed me up for years ago_

After noting down the various medications and their prescription dates Tyrion looked back up to the top of the medicine cabinet. It was undoubtedly easier to get them down than to put them back up.

 

Back in his room Tyrion studied the pharmacology book checking for any potential for drug to drug interactions; he’d read about these in his science textbook. Terrible thing could happen if you took the wrong two medications together, or even herbal supplements and grapefruit of all things.  He always knew something that tasted so bitter could never _actually_ be good for you.

 

“Indopril 4 - Perindopril erbumine 4mg tablets – take one tablet before breakfast daily, well let’s see what the great big book of pharmacology says about you then…”

It turned out that indopril 4 was a medication used for high blood pressure or hypertension if you wanted to sound smart (Tyrion knew he sounded smart regardless). It was also a possibility for heart failure or coronary artery disease, however considering his father and the ease at which he could ride and fence Tyrion doubted it was either of those two conditions. 

He turned to the next drug on his list “Panadol – paracetamol 500mg tablet”, well he knew what that was for at the very least.

_Though the packet was surprisingly light, I wonder what’s been the cause of father’s headaches?_

The next was a tube of medication that he recognised “zorvirax – aciclovir, cold sore cream”. Tyrion himself had had cold sores though he’d never seen father with one, “I suppose he must catch them in time” Tyrion said to himself.  He looked up aciclovir anyway, “a nucleoside analogue – whatever that is – that selectively inhibits the herpes simplex virus, oh that’s disgusting, I’ve had herpes on my lips.  Ew.”

The last mediation he’d written a note next to it, the box had never been opened and the pills had been prescribed over 16 years ago. “Prozac capsules – fluoxetine 20mg – take one tablet with or before breakfast, let’s find out why father didn’t want to take you…”

“Potent inhibitor of CYP2D6, yes, yes but he probably wouldn’t have been taking anything else then and who would prescribe drugs that clash anyway…ah, a selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor, something to do with the brain then…used in major depression, OCD, panic disorder and bulimia…” Tyrion paused trying to imagine his father with an eating disorder, concerned over his weight 16 years ago, purging himself after uncontrolled binging.

_Ha! Father’s always in control._

But 16 years ago, it would’ve been just after he was born…

_Surely I wasn’t that ugly a baby-_

And just after mother had died.

They always told him that father wasn’t the same after his mother died, after **he** _killed_ her, if Cersei’s word was anything to go by.  He put the book to the side dejectedly, somewhat less enthusiastic about his grand plan for revenge.  His father had been depressed, no-one had ever told him.

_Perhaps no-one had ever known?_

Tywin Lannister was not a man to show weakness, at that time he was the Chief Administrative Officer of King’s Landing Media and was essentially running the country through the power of thought. For all his faults, Tyrion knew his father had done a good job and the people were _happy_ , spoon-fed selected media maybe, but happy.  He could not in his short life recall a moment when his father was actually happy.  He was pleased with Jaime’s achievements, indulged Cersei’s whims to an extent but his face always fell back to stern and foreboding, as though it had forgotten there was anything else.

_Perhaps he should’ve taken the pills after all._

 

It was a few days later when Tyrion’s desire for revenge was renewed.

“I don’t know how you convinced your Uncle to do it Tyrion, but not again, you shall not go behind my back again. I just received the engineer’s assessment for your toilet-flush.  ‘ _Totally inadequate’, ‘incompatible with modern designs’, ‘high chance of structural failure’._ These are the comments he gave in response to your design.  You did not think that our lavatories might be _different_ to others or that designs are constantly changing and your creation is simply not flexible enough.  You did not _think_ Tyrion.”

“I apologise father”

For a moment they shared a glare, Tywin deciding whether his son’s insincere apology was worth the trouble, Tyrion determinedly not speaking his mind. With the slightest nudge of his head Tywin broke contact and dismissed his son.  Tyrion turned quickly walking to the door as fast as he could-

“Do not disturb your Uncle Kevan or any of your Uncles again” Tywin added as Tyrion had just reached the door.

_I apologise for inventing, I apologise for trying to help, I apologise for being useful, I apologise for being stunted._

_I apologise for being born._

It was with considerable strength of will Tyrion did not slam the door behind him.

 

It was a Friday when the opportunity finally presented itself, Tyrion had for days considered how he was going to dose his father without harming the rest of the household also. He’d been carrying a small vial of the four crushed tablets, he was still unsure as to whether to use the whole amount, two was the average dose and four or 200mg was the daily limit.  His father was a big man, with a lot of gut, it would take four.

He’d been summoned once again to his father’s office, outside his father was talking to his Uncle Kevan who smiled warmly and apologetically as Tyrion approached, his father dismissively waved him in as they finished their conversation. He’d been wondering how or where he might slip the pills in, he’d considered trying to dissolve the pills and spray it onto a piece of bread for his father’s toast, injecting the solution into an orange. 

But there upon the desk, was a steaming cup of coffee.

_Ah! The gods do care after all_

Checking the door was closed behind him Tyrion rushed up to the desk and emptied the contents of the vial quickly stirring the crushed senna tablets thankful his father had left the spoon in the mug.

He’d just returned to sitting normally as his father came into the room. As he came round the desk he took the coffee and took a deep drink from it ignoring Tyrion’s presence. 

Tyrion clenched his hands together barely able to contain his excitement, his father was facing away but any moment he could turn to look to Tyrion and it would not do to have a huge grin gracing his face.

Coffee still in hand Tywin sat down at his desk taking another long drink before placing it on his coaster. Tyrion wished he was tall enough to see how much was drunk, alas, patience.

“Your uncle Kevan has spoken to me, there shall be no further punishment Tyrion” his father spoke to the desk, only deigning to look over at Tyrion after whatever important paper work he was reading was shuffled away.

Tyrion was lost for words, it was not an apology, or the acknowledgement of a mistake, nor even an admission of misunderstanding, but it was the closest his father was had ever come to any of those things that Tyrion had known.

It was almost enough for Tyrion to regret his actions.

_But not quite._

Just then Uncle Kevan burst through the door in a bustle, “I’m sorry Tywin, left my cup of coffee in here and I have to dash off to the office, what’s this-?”

“Yours? I’ve had half…” Tywin replied surprised in his closest approximation to sheepish.

“No matter, hardly ever finish the lot anyway”

Kevan clapped Tyrion on the shoulder draining his cup and winking.

_Oh uncle…_

“I’m sorry for interrupting, I might need to call you when I get to the office if that’s alright, Tywin?” asked Kevan just as he approach the door.

“Yes of course” Tywin replied along with a dismissive wave of the hand, turning back to his paperwork.

Tyrion could only watch in horror and guilt as his uncle left the room, he stared at the office door with guilt and regret.

“That was all I had to say on the matter Tyrion”

He was dismissed.

 

It was at dinner that Tyrion noticed the effects of the laxatives.

“Father? You don’t look quite well” said Cersei concern all over her pretty face.

“I’m…”

Tyrion looked up from his food, just to see his father pale as he dashed from the dining table one hand pressed over his stomach the other clenched into a fist.

“Excuse me” he barked as he left the room heading for the toilets.

Tyrion permitted himself an evil grin watching his father’s back.

_You’ll appreciate my invention now_

It was moments later the Kevan followed his brother in much the same fashion. Watching his uncle in a hurry, Tyrion felt guilty again, two pills of the laxative really were enough.

_I will be more targeted next time._

Cersei called after uncle Kevan, grumpy to be left alone with her ugly brother, she glared at him “It’s because of you they left” she spat with a petty anger.

He schooled his face into a picture of nonchalance, before giving her an ugly smile and raising his glass. It annoyed Cersei more when she amused him.

_Oh if only you knew sister dear._

But truly Tyrion didn’t know whether to laugh or cry, he did know however that his flushing mechanism would be getting very good use this weekend.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Instructions exist for a reason, use medication only as advised.


End file.
